July is almost over, thank goodness. It’s been a rough one, but I have learned a lot about myself this month. In preparation for my annual trip to the Texas valley, I have packed up my imaginary shovel to bury all things unnecessary in my life in the sand and leave it behind when I return to San Antonio. Personal growth is not easy, but for me, I have to move forward for me to flourish and enjoy all I am given in life. I spend so much time trying to make others happy, what’s strange is, I think my selfish past caught up with me and I felt I had some making up to do. When I got married 5 years ago, I promised myself that I’d never be the monster I once was and put my husband, his daughter, family, and friends, all before myself, without any kind of balance. I really think I began to lose myself throughout the years and my marriage failing really tore me apart to the point of almost no return. So here I am, little old me, not knowing who I am and on a mission to fix that. Being a so personal with people day in and out, I often get told that my listening ear and warm shoulder help people feel better about themselves, inspires, and motivates them. Don’t get me wrong, I feel really blessed to have such a trait, but I need to learn how to do those things for myself for a change. I need to take my own advice.
This month I have been to so many beautiful places throughout Texas, (look up Wordless Wednesday in the search bar on the homepage for pictures.) visiting these destinations have really helped me with clarity, meditation, and sort through my feelings of confusion. With spending time with family and friends, relationships in my life changing without any kind of direction, and digging in deep to my core, I realized how unhappy I am. I think when you go through a huge drastic change in your life that you never wanted; it’s hard to accept that there’s been a change of plans. The anger, heartache, confusion, and tons of what ifs finally broke me and I am not ashamed to say that, finally. Though I am a mess of emotions, I know better enough to know that is not who I was raised to be, nor who I wanted to become, so, with that said; some major changes need to happen. Am I ready to make them? Who’s ever really ready for that? I know what I have to do and that’s live for me for a change.
I miss being in love sometimes; I am all about romance and courtship despite my hard core exterior that some people tend to see. With the love in my marriage being over years ago, there are days I feel ready to have a companionship and days that I laugh at love like it’s some kind of sick joke. With me being such a mess these days, it’s made me wonder if it’s why I attract those that are a mess themselves or use being a mess as an excuse to keep their options open. I have learned that I can’t fix anyone; especially those set in their ways that would rather be alone with their selfishness because it’s too much work to be better and/or share themselves with another person. These thoughts have really made me analyze who I have spent the majority of my time with lately and made me wonder if I am of any value to them other than just a good time, a comfort zone, a personal growth tool, or to rebuilt an ego. Only time will tell who is suppose to be in my life for the long run, so till then I plan on taking care of me and pray that the good changes I make within myself attracts those that see my worth, cherish what I have to offer, and love me for all that I am and not what I can do for them. As they say, change is good…time to let go of what’s holding me down and make them.
This blog is dedicated to my blog bestie…sometimes people tougher than you come into your life to make you a better person. She is definitely one of them. Check out her blog Mommy’s Mayhem.
Thursday thoughts are a series to share my random and personal thoughts with my readers so that they well get to know me a bit more. We all have a different outlook on life, feelings, emotions, and sense of humor. My Thursday thoughts series is just for fun, sharing, and to make you think of things yourself.
Other Thursday Thoughts Blogs: