With all I am going through lately, so many things have come to mind. Who I was before marriage, who I became during, and who I will become now. Though our upbringing plays a huge part in the person we become, we also have choices on who we want to be. I grew up with my parents instilling in us to want better for ourselves, to love one another, communicate and work things out, family is important, your real friends will always surface when times get tough, and most of all to never allow someone to mistreat us. I am far from perfect, but I know I love with all I am, had forgiven more than any sane person would, and lived far too long with a broken heart.
When people split up, not everyone is going to be supportive of your choices no matter what the situation was or is. Being a blogger and open about my personal life there have been a few bad responses to blogs about what I am going through, people like that only see one side. If anything, the main feedback I have received has been positive and has actually helped a few people in my life.
You have to stay true to yourself; only you know what’s best for you. I had a choice, I stayed committed for 5 years even though I wasn’t getting what I needed or really wanted. I thought by forgiving, being loyal and faithful, and true to my commitment of marriage, I eventually would. That’s not what happened. Sure there were some really great times, but if I had to make a list between the good and the bad, the bad would most definitely be longer. When you love someone with all that you are, mind, body, soul, and spirit, you think they would feel that and not only accept it, but cherish it. Sad to say in my case, it was taken for granted.
I have gone through many stages of emotion. I have felt cheated, torn, heartbroken, like I wasted my time, anger, lost, confused, and most of all empty, like the life was sucked out of me. It really was. How can someone I loved so much that I did things for that I had never done for anyone in my life before could just disappear out of my life like I never existed? How can someone that was suppose to love me so much just leave without fighting for me or the good life they had with me? How could the constant forgiveness of lies, infidelity, and everything I had done to make things that they were lacking finally happen for them not mean a thing? How can someone that bonded with your family for 5 years not even say goodbye to them? How can someone put on a straight face and be around you and your family enjoying so many fun events and have such a deep dirty other hidden life? How can all the good a person has right in front of them just throw it all away? How can someone lie to so many people, fill their hearts with hope and love, then destroy them? How can a married person juggle around so many affairs and not even feel bad? How can someone keep doing this to people over and over, leaving behind a trail of broken-hearts? How can someone chose to live a life of fantasy, bouncing from one person to another just to fill in the void of feeling unloved when they had true love right there in front of their face? How can someone not see they truly have a problem, an addiction, and not want help? These are all the questions I have asked myself and know now I will never get the answers.
I don’t care what happen has happened in your life, you can choose to make it better, always. Some people are just not cut out for the hard work it takes to really change and some like living in pure misery. I know I sure don’t, I did, and 5 years was enough. As devastated as I was when things came to an end, I was also angry at myself, angry that I stayed so long when I wasn’t getting even half of the love or anything else I was giving. It was hard for me to accept that my other half chose a different route. Though he had many imperfections, because I did as well, I wanted to work on them together. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about right? For better or worse; I wanting better only resulted in things getting worse. We wanted different things and I don’t think someone that cheats constantly with several people at a time shouldn’t be married anyway.
I am in a better place now; there are good days and bad days, but my heart and head are both on the same page and the heartache has turned into a tiny sting. I know eventually that will completely go away. I am flawed just like any other human being, but, I have a lot of love to give, I have a beautiful family, I am passionate about all that I do, I appreciate the beauty in my surroundings always, and most of all I know what I bring to the relationship table and its definitely not a bunch of rotten scraps.
To those going through the same thing, know that you are not alone. One day we will find someone that loves and appreciates us the way we should be. Focus on getting better, reaching goals, trying out new things, and visiting with loved ones a bit more. Do these things on your bad days; forget staying alone in the sadness. On your good days, enjoy your home without the bad energy no longer lingering in it, take a drive alone and think of the next venture you want to go on, and do things that will give you the opportunity to regain your strength to heal, because one day it will. It will take time and there’s no rush. Don’t ever let heartache ruin you, or treat the next person you’re with like dirt, you continue to love with all that you are, take chances, don’t close yourself off to possibilities, and most of all live life now better than what you were before. After all, we only get one, don’t waste it on isolating yourself because of the pain someone caused you. As they say, this to shall pass…and I am a firm believer of than now.
Much love and thanks to all those, near or far, that have been there for me. The support and love is received and appreciated, it’s because of all you of that I remain in good spirits. ~April